Start here

  • Start with something you have noticed and ask what would help today.
  • If you are worried about immediate safety, involve urgent help or a trusted adult.
This guide is general information and has not been clinically reviewed. A qualified health professional can help you apply information to your situation.

Begin with what you noticed

A friend might become quiet, miss regular activities or tell you that life feels difficult. You do not have to work out a diagnosis before checking in. Choose a private, reasonably calm moment and describe something specific: "You have missed lunch with us a few times and seem worn out. How have things been?" Leave room for an answer you did not expect. Avoid opening with a list of everything they are doing wrong. The purpose is to make conversation possible, not to convince them that you have accurately analysed their mental health.

Listen before solving

Give your friend time to speak without turning every pause into advice. You can reflect what you heard: "It sounds like you are carrying school pressure and problems at home at the same time." Ask whether they want listening, practical help or ideas. If you do not understand an experience, say so respectfully rather than pretending. Avoid comparing their situation with somebody who has it harder or promising that everything will be fine. You can care about them while being honest that you do not know the answer. Sometimes the most useful response is simply, "I am glad you told me."

Offer one manageable action

Specific help is easier to accept than a broad promise. You could sit with them while they look up a service, walk to student support together, help write an appointment request or bring food during a difficult week. Ask before acting, especially before sharing personal information. A friend may not be ready for your suggestion. Keep the door open without repeatedly pushing the same idea. If they are already receiving professional support, you can ask what everyday friendship would look like while they continue it. You are not responsible for checking that they complete treatment or report every feeling to you.

Do not carry urgent risk alone

If your friend says they cannot stay safe, or you believe there is immediate danger, involve urgent support. Call 000 in an emergency and, if it is safe for you, stay nearby while help is arranged. Do not promise secrecy about a serious safety concern. If you are young yourself, bring in a trusted adult or appropriate professional. Explain your concern using the person's words and the immediate situation rather than speculation. A friend may be upset that you told someone, but urgent safety is not something you should be expected to manage alone through messages.

Follow up in a way they can use

After a difficult conversation, you might agree on a time to check back rather than sending a stream of questions. For instance, 'I will message after training tomorrow. Is that okay?' If the original concern was about attending an appointment, ask how the practical part went without expecting a report of everything they told the clinician. If you see your friend in a group, let them choose whether to discuss it. Remembering what they asked for is often more helpful than repeating advice or treating them differently in front of other people.

Keep being a friend with limits

You can continue ordinary invitations without demanding a cheerful performance: "We are getting lunch; you are welcome even if you do not feel talkative." At the same time, you need sleep, study, other relationships and your own support. Say when you are available and what to do if they need help outside that time. For example, "I can talk for twenty minutes, but I cannot stay awake tonight. Let's identify someone else you can contact." If supporting them is affecting you, speak with a trusted person while sharing only what is necessary. Caring works better when it does not depend on one exhausted person being constantly available.

Offer a specific kind of help

Try “I can sit with you while you book, or I can walk with you to the school wellbeing office. Which would you prefer?” Let them choose what to share. If they do not want you to go in, agree on when you will check back. If you cannot keep helping that day, give an honest time you can reply and help them identify another person they can reach in the meantime.

Sources & further reading

These independent resources provide further information. Their inclusion does not imply endorsement of Youth Health.